just days...

jen said - 'you should put more of what you write on big Rhonda's world...' then i made her read this... she said 'i hate you'... so...


i miss you everyday... some days more than others... but everyday - i miss you...

12/11 - your birthday... when christmas 'officially' begins... we still do the tree and decorate your house... we try to do it on your birthday but sometimes we have to do it another day... dad still sits in his chair and gives us the ornaments to put up... johnny and i still fight over who gets to put up which one... johnny still bitches about losing all of the ornaments he had made while mine survived... of course, because i'm the favorite... we have new ornaments that we have made over the past few years... dad doesn't let johnny put up some that he made, you can imagine why... every few minutes taking a pause to tell a story, reflect on the past, sigh, sometimes we cry, then fight over whose turn it is to do the lights... on 12/11 i am sad for my family...

8/3 - the day you died... it was actually the morning... not long after midnight... i remember everything about that moment... the phone call... the rush to the hospital... i even remember the shorts i was wearing... i had to hold the pockets while i was running through the halls to get to you... they were the blue plaid shorts that i wore to gram & gramps' 50th anniversary party... i remember touching your hand and arm... the one that we couldn't touch when you were still alive because, even in your morphine coma, it hurt you too much... most of my friends now will never know you... i talk about you all the time but they will never hear your laugh or see your smile... they will only know that i hurt because you are my mom, not that i hurt because you are amazing... on 8/3 i am sad for my friends...

9/19 - my birthday... the day i miss you the most... on 9/19 i am sad for me...