just amy...

ames, mama, mama 2, michelle, baby, chef, lesbin (not a typo), keebler, bitch-hole (from my brother)...these are just a few of the names that amy michelle harris will respond to...this year has brought big changes to my relationship with amy...all for the better, i might add...but the one thing that has not changed (and never will) is how much i rely on her...

my family is going through some issues right now that i won't go into here...some issues that have kicked me in the gut and dropped me to my knees...and while most people are telling me not to cry and be strong, amy is the one who is holding me while i cry and picking me up when i fall...she silently reaches her hand out to mine and lets me breakdown...i don't know if it's because she doesn't know what to say and do or if it's because she knows better than to tell me how to feel...either way i don't care...

i didn't see the changes coming and i was totally not prepared for any of them...many of these changes involved my relationship with amy...but through it all, amy has been the one who keeps me going...i'm not quite sure how i would have survived this past week without her...

so - ames, mama, chef - i love you and thank you for being such a huge part of my life...i know it's different from what we thought it would be, but i love you very much and could not imagine my life without you...

go on with your honky ass!!!

just francis...

a few months ago my brother heard about a stray dog that had appeared at somebody's house...this poor little guy (who they called 'stranger') was pretty bad off...he had mange and scabs and sores all over his poor little body...he didn't look good...we drove out to bfe to meet him and just the sight of him made me want to cry...

but the best thing about him was that he didn't care that he smelled bad and was pretty nasty looking...he was just happy to be alive...so my brother took him home that day...he bathed him every other day with special 'mange shampoo' and nursed him back to health...now he's a happy, healthy, horny little boy...

he still had his 'manhood' when johnny got him...and every time johnny had an appointment to snip him, something came up that required the money he had set aside...finally tuesday was the day...so while i sit at the pub drinking my tuesday beers i get this text -

"This bitch was all nice and shit then she gave me a roofie and cut off my balls! - francis"

a still want to know how he used the phone without thumbs...

just my sissy...

for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting my brother - you don't know what you are missing...he is one of the funniest people i have ever met...he also has the same fucked up sense of humor as i do, so he doesn't judge my jacked up remarks about dead people, or old people, or religion, or any of the many things i make fun of...so with that being said i offer you this little bit of his mind...


From:
John Breier [john.breier@gmail.com]
Sent: 7/12/2009 7:45:31 PM
To: Jessica Breier; Amy Harris:
Subject: Dinner

Don't put jalapeno in your hamburger helper, it will make you shart..............

just an open letter...

i will always remember the first night we met...
i will always remember every night we spent together at mia's listening to mother jane...
i will always remember the dinners at charlie browns...
i will always remember helping you create and manage your very first website...
i will always remember dragging you to hockey games with my family...
i will always remember you dropping paint on my mom's hallway carpet...
i will always remember the hard boiled egg you shoved in my face...
i will always remember coming home to you making a big pot of chili in a house you didn't even live in...
i will always remember falling in love with you and not being able to admit it to anyone, not even myself...
i will always remember the drive back from buddha belly when i finally admitted i was falling in love with you...
i will always remember laying in bed, with my heart pounding so hard you thought i was having a heart attack and asking you to marry me...
i will always remember where we were exactly 7 years ago today...
i will always remember the week we spent in the cabin in michigan, just you and i...
i will always remember needing you so much when my mom died that i could feel it all the way down to my toes...
i will always remember how i needed you when my grandmother died a year later...
i will always remember how i needed you another year later when my cousin died...
i will always remember how i needed you when we found out my father had prostate cancer...
i will always remember the night i realized that we shouldn't be in a relationship anymore...
i will always remember how it felt like mike tyson had punched me in the stomach when we both said it out loud...

the one thing that i don't have to remember is my love for you...you don't remember love...it just is...my love for you is not something that i have to remember...it just is...it has come into my life and it will never go away...as difficult as this is for both of us, we will get through it...with love...for and from each other...for and from our family...for and from our friends...

just a thursday night...

and then amy and i danced naked in the rain...

just a conversation...

an actual im conversation with my wife this morning at work...word for word...

Jessica says:
so how much money do you think all of our stuff is worth? sell it and take off with the babies whaddya think?
Amy says:
i don't think it's worth enough to pay everybody off and get very far... unless you turn to prostitution
Jessica says:
well that won't get us ANY money
Amy says:
might get us some hot dogs though
Jessica says:
and who said anything about paying everybody off?
Amy says:
if i've learned anything, it is that no matter how far you think you've run, they always catch up...
Jessica says:
i meant take off and not look back find some woods and build us a cabin
Amy says:
i have to poop

just exhibits a and b...

the following is an actual excerpt from a nina totenberg interview on npr...


prosecutor: what county do you currently reside in?
witness: northern garrard county
prosecutor: isn't it true that it sucks to live so far out and away from lexington?
witness: can i enter into evidence exhibits a and b?


exhibit a: the view from our front porch...
exhibit b: the view from our backyard

so it didn't really happen like that, but people ask me all the time about living so far out and away from lexington...i think i might keep these pictures on me so that i can just whip them out whenever anybody asks me...

just half my life...

so i have smoked for more than half my life...wow - when you put it on paper like that, it really hits you...there are a gazillion reasons for me to quit...way too many to write out here...so, i have quit smoking...actually, i am in the process of quiting...i am in hour 94 right now...amy has quit as well...she is in hour 27...there are no more cigarettes in the house...all the ash trays have been dumped and cleaned...so to keep myself busy and to fill all the extra time i have on my hands (you really don't realize how much time smoking takes up) this is what i have been up to in the past 4 days...

• just baked some cookies...
• cleaned the bathroom...
• i mean CLEANED the bathroom...
• washed the 3 sets of blinds in our living room - slat by slat...
• read a 300 page book in 58 hours...those 58 hours include 24 hours at work...
• went to the dog park...
• cleaned and rearranged our bedroom...
• cleaned the kitchen every chance i got...
• took a nap today...

not smoking is why i am not at poker night tonight...i am feeling pretty good about my situation right now and where i am in this process...i don't want to do anything to sabotage myself...which is why i am home alone drinking beer...no cigarettes in the house...live too far away to go get any...

well it's not the only reason i'm not at poker night...i don't play poker...so i know that megan would see me coming from a mile away and take all my money...

kick her ass baby - we gotta pay that mortgage!!!

just last night...

before i get this one started, i have favor to ask of you...when that john wall kid gets to lexington, will somebody please pull him aside and teach him how to say 'school'? thanks...

while jeff was working on our air conditioner...

maddie stuck right by amy's side because, well, there was a weird guy IN our air conditioner...

pete did what he does best...contemplated life while being adorable...

notice the little sock on his foot? he cut the pad of his foot last weekend and has to wear a sock to keep it clean...if the little bastard would stop taking it off and running around the yard it would probably heal a lot quicker...but apparently he disagrees with mommy's logic...

and i found this picture when i was looking for something else...come on...how cute is that???

the giraffe looking dog is my brother's dog alex...

just a day at the park...

with mama in ashland doing inventory and peter with a big cut on his foot, maddie and i decided to go to the dog park...pete hasn't been able to play much this week because of his foot...and poor maddie had so much pent up energy that i thought she would explode...so we were off...i planned on bringing my camera, but of course forgot it...so i have this dramatic reenactment to share with you-

the following is brought to you without commercial interruption by miller lite...

here is maddie enjoying the beautiful weather before it started raining...

here is maddie standing on the table at the park...for whatever reason she jumps right up on this table...

once the park was safe from the birds...


it was time to go home...



she had behaved so well and protected me from the deadly birds, i let her drive...

just something my dad always said...

done it was
and done it be
wise is he who done it
let he who done it
do it no more
and let nobody know what is it

just leave it alone...

so i saw this in the store the other day...

Bud Extra

Introduced:
2005

Beer Category/Style:
High End – Specialty fruit-flavored beer.

Taste Profile:
A complex, yet well-balanced taste with notes of blackberry, raspberry and cherry. Unique flavor offers a slightly sweet and tart taste.

Ingredients/Brewing:
Brewed with barley, malt, hops, water and select cereal grains, fermented with Anheuser-Busch’s proprietary yeast strain and slowly matured at cold temperatures. When fully mature, it is then infused with a natural flavor.

just drink a wine cooler and leave beer alone...

just my list...

things that suck...

• the air conditioning in my house not working
• forgetting to take the second garbage can to the street for the third straight week
• checking the 'remember me' box on websites, and it not happening
• bea arthur is still dead
• people who drive on 27 south from new circle road to 152 in lancaster between 3:30 and 4:30
• maddie doing this right before she knocks me down to attack me with kisses

things that don't suck...

• having air conditioning at work
• amy taking out the first garbage can this morning, so we at least have one empty one
• cold miller lite in the fridge when i get home
• the hopes of a 'golden girls' marathon on lifetime in honor of bea arthur
• not having swine flu
• the babies when i get home

so after careful consideration - my day didn't suck...i mean look at those faces...

just maude...

bea arthur died yesterday and that makes me sad...

just pete sassin his mama...

when we picked pete up from the shelter they told us that he was a very vocal young man...they were right...

i present to you -

'the amazing sassafrassing peter pollenmerry breier harris'...

just family fun day...

usually family fun day includes myself, ames and my brother johnny and some sort of marathon shopping day...well yesterday was a little different...ames had to work so my dad stepped into her place...and there was no shopping...we went to the uk singletary center for the arts museum for the 'excavating egypt' display...my brother really gets into this stuff and i couldn't tell you the last time i went to a museum on purpose, so why not...normally any time my brother and i get together and go out into public, we try to get into some sort of trouble...and with my dad with us, it was like we were kids again...ahh the look that says 'i'm gonna kick your ass when we get out to the parking lot'...i know it so well...

started out with a kick ass breakfast at bill's diner...

my brother's truck has an i-pod adapter so we went from madonna (of course) to the smith's to the wonder woman theme song...when wonder woman came on i'm sure dad was re-thinking his decision to go out into public with his children...we made fun of the cash for gold commercials and wondered where hookers go to die since the 'princess motel' hasn't been around for a while...

once at the museum, johnny and i immediately made a new friend...

i thought my dad was old, but this guy is 5,000 years old...

this is a jackal statue removed from a tomb...


this is my brother's dog alex...

don't know what it says but it's the first time i had ever seen hieroglyphics in real life so i figured it was picture worthy...

after looking long and hard johnny finally found it...


amy's prom dress...

just alot of stuff...

forgive me father for i have sinned...it has been, well let's see...(31-24+18/pi)+...how about we go with a long time since i last blogged...alot has been going on around here...we painted the bathroom and changed out alot of things...including my first adventure with electricity...i'm happy to report that i changed out light fixtures and didn't fry myself once...

this is what our walls looked like before...

that white box on the wall is an access panel where amy broke through the wall to fix the plumbing in the shower...572 degree water no longer runs out of the faucet onto our feet...plus we save about $6 a month on our water bill...doesn't seem like alot but when you add it up...cha-ching...

amy's sink...

my sink...

that's my tub baby...

and yes, that's a tv in the bathroom...

did you happen to notice the pictures on the wall...those are from outside of our very own house...we didn't plant them, but they grew on their own...but hey, we didn't kill them either...

other random things...

maddie has been watching too much hogan's heroes and has decided to tunnel her way out...

peter is gay...every morning when i brush my hair he goes crazy for me to brush his...

he absolutely loves it...

maddie does not...

i painted a little chalkboard on one of the walls in the spare room...turned my back for five minutes and look what happened...also a testament to peter's sexual preferences...

okay that's enough...went to the museum today with johnny and pops...i'll post the pictures i was able to take before i got busted tomorrow...and start with the bedroom renovations...

just painting the bathroom part deux...

some more helpful hints from big Rhonda about painting your bathroom...

• if you don't have a little 4 inch roller brush - get one...the big ones are awesome, but the smaller one will get you into little places that you can't get the big one...
• a 4 inch roller brush makes a great microphone when neil diamond's red red wine comes on your i-tunes...
• for all the perverts in the crowd - we have a stand-up shower with two shower heads...one on either end...mmmhmmm...ahem...there are also two seats on either end...i had to stand with one foot on each seat to reach above the shower wall...don't headbang when metallica comes on...

this edition of 'helpful hints from big Rhonda' brought to you by coors light...

just painting the bathroom...

so we are painting the bathroom...the bathroom that is bigger than my first apartment...it's a pain in the ass...but i am here today to impart some of big Rhonda's wisdom about home improvement...i knew some of the following things...i thought i knew some of the following things, but apparently my brain decided to replace them with more important things...like 'ooh, that's a good beer, remember that'...some of them i learned tonight

• always keep a rag in your back pocket...even if you think that it will mean that you are a gang member or queer...chances are - if someone is helping you paint your house they already know that you are a member of the mexican mafia or queer...
• never move the ladder with the paint bucket or tray still on it...take the time to take it off and then move the ladder...unless you are planning on painting the floor the same color...
• paint from top to bottom...boob imprints on the wall just don't look as good as you think they might...
• if you are right handed - paint left to right...and vice versa...hand prints on the wall look just as bad as boob prints...
• put your holiday music in a seperate folder in your i-tunes...there's nothing worse than jamming out to some bon jovi and then all of a sudden here comes bette midler - white christmas...buzz kill...
• if you have the option to buy odorless primer - DO IT...the odorless costs about $10 more but it's worth it...i figured out that they take the odor out of the odorless and add it to the regular...awoohoo!!!
• if your spouse is watching the uk game and you come out for more beer and a smoke - leave them alone...they could care less that you just painted the dog...just wait until after the game...

if you have any other questions - don't be afraid to ask...that's why i'm here kids...big Rhonda lives to serve...

this edition of 'hints from big Rhonda' has been brought to you by coors light...

just cleaning the house...

every once in a while i get a wild hair up my butt and decide to take all of the books off the bookcase and clean the whole damn thing...even wipe down every book as i put it back...i noticed what an odd assortment of books we have sitting right next to each other...little golden books (pokey little puppy was always my favorite)...gay guide to the usa...diary of anne franke...dante's inferno...winnie the pooh and the blustery day (props to phil)...a book about pirates...a gazillion of amy's notebooks with her poetry in them...another gazillion of her school books...and some dr suess thrown in for good measure...but one book stopped me dead in my tracks...'14,000 things to be happy about'...it's a list of 14,000 random things that make the author happy...i had given the book to my mom a few years before she died with handwritten instructions on the inside of the book to highlight the things that made her happy and to reread those things whenever she was feeling down...so there i sat with this damn book, reading and crying and laughing all at once...with the dogs crawling all over me because i was sad or maybe just because i was in there way...i was going to share some of the things that she had highlighted but i think i'll keep those for me...i miss my mom every day, but sometimes shit like this just slams right into me and i hate it...just another reason to hate cleaning the house...

just...

blog...

just round one...

this one will be short and sweet and to the point...just got home from the uk women's basketball win over chattanooga in overtime...what a great game...so it's tip off to overtime and a few of us are standing up...like i do for all tip offs...the jackass behind us says 'why don't you guys sit down until there's something to actually stand up for'...if you can't see around me, which most people can't, stand up or shut up...now big Rhonda needs her beauty sleep...

just the best day ever...

i had a great time yesterday...thanks to everybody who came out and played with us...

just lucky i guess 33 1/3...