just stumbling...

so i stumbled across this today and i HAD to share...

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

just iron chef...

a special message for any and all vegans and vegetarians...

i know that this post will disgust you, and for that i apologize... but - i don't care how you vote... i don't care who you fall in love with... i don't care what kind of car you do or don't drive... and i don't care what you eat... you do what you gotta do and i'll do what i gotta do... much love...

so what do you do on a friday night when you are poor and hungry??? have some meatloaf iron chef style...

MEATLOAF!!!

amy and i were starving tonight and couldn't fathom the thought of waiting for a 1.75lb meatloaf to cook... so we decided to split it up and have a meatloaf cook-off... everybody knows that amy can cook... and i mean COOOOOK... but meatloaf has always been my specialty... we knew the judges(me and ames) would be tough but we were both up for the challenge...

i have to admit i was a little scared... i mean, come on, it's ames...look how cute it is in it's new chef outfit...

so mine was a mexican inspired loaf with salsa and chili powder...

amy's was a southern style bbq inspired loaf with garlic and brown sugar...
and of course, meatloaf's best friend - mac-n-cheese...
as much as i would like to say 'i won', i didn't... but neither did ames... her meatloaf had a better texture, but mine had a better flavor profile... i guess we both won, because this was a kick-ass dinner...

just mall security...

i think it speaks for itself...

shout out to bob and family...

thanks to all who helped in the writing of this... ames & jen for their wonderful wisdom and input... kari for writing it out so we could keep our hands free to drink more beer...

just "eryca said what?"...(a series)

this is eryca...

she's the drunk one... oh sorry - the drunk one in the middle... she's wildly inappropriate and hilariously funny all at the same time... so i've decided that i will try to keep up with some of the funny shit she says and post it here on a weekly basis...

i submit for you - the first "eryca said what?"

'if we would have known that you were going to be this stupid, we would have just smothered you at birth.'

god only knows what we were talking about at the time, but i believe that she put into words what we have all thought at least one point in our life...

just lust....

it's been 47 hours since i last touched my lips to you...

it's been 47 hours since i last held you in my hands...

it's been 47 hours since i breathed you in and you became part of me...

it's been 47 hours and i still reach for you...

it's been 47 hours and i can still smell you every where i turn...

it's been 47 hours and you still find a way to creep into my mind...

it's been 47 hours since my last cigarette...

what did you think i was talking about???

just football...

so i say 'go jets'
amy says 'go colts'
johnny says 'go breakfast at tiffany's...it's on today at 4'

i guess we all have something to look forward to on sunday afternoons...

just dad...

john, jay, dad, grampa (only by the dogs, but it still counts), big papa, pops, senior, chief...these are just a few of the names that john nicholas breier will respond to...right now i prefer to call him Superman...because my dad is fucking awesome!!!

dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer a week before christmas...(damnit!!!)so with that in mind johnny and i went christmas shopping for dad...we found a pair of 'tighty whiteys' with the Superman logo on them...unfortunately they only had huge fat man and little boy sizes...but we knew then what we were looking for...we were able to find him a Superman t-shirt and LAC gave him a Superman pin to wear to the first doctor appointment...that way the cancer would know that he was gonna kick the shit out of it...

for those of you who don't know my dad, let me give you a brief description of him...imagine me - but with more hair and a slightly higher sperm count...i have been daddy's little girl since the beginning...i was such a tomboy growing up (i know it's hard to imagine) and i hurt myself A LOT...but i didn't run to mom, i ran to my daddy...and he somehow always made it feel better...in junior and senior high school he NEVER missed any of my basketball games...at age 19, when i came out to him and mom, he said 'sweet, now we can go to the titty bars together'...when amy and i had only been married for a month and it came time to make a decision about mom's medical care - my brother, my dad and myself sequestored ourselves away from the rest of the family...dad looked at me and my brother and said 'where's amy???she's a part of this family and has a say about this too'...we have spent countless hours together at the pub talking about nothing and everything all at the same time...pretty much the best way to describe my dad is 'fucking awesome' (as i've said before)

in the past few weeks i've found myself using words i hoped i would never have to use in my life...words like chemotherapy, radiologist and feeding tube...but these are the facts of life (and not the good kind with joe and tootie)...this is what my dad and my family are up against...but i KNOW how strong my dad is...and i KNOW the power of positive thought...and although i don't believe in prayer and religion - i'll take whatever we can get at this point...when dad told me he had cancer, as my hands were shaking so bad i couldn't even write, he told me 'i'll fight this like a mother fucker'...ummm duh...

some men become fathers by mistake...some fathers don't ever become men...my dad is a father and a great man because he WANTS to be...for better or worse, he is the reason i am who i am today and i couldn't imagine it any other way...

dad - i love you...i know you'll beat this...not because you have to, but because you want to...